Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. I have learned to livewith thepain but have not found many people that understand. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. Sadness and happiness can coexist,but its not easy,not at all. This so much speaks to me . So when I need to cry, I just let it out. Still, it hurts and is sad sometimes, even 12 years on, but now I know thats okay and Im not alone! I am actually the one who left my husband. And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. Three kids and 15 years later we divorced. I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. The residual anger,. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food,. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. Life is very cruel to people who do the right thing and the people who lie, cheat, steal and betray just seem to get on with life as if nothing has happened. I agree with you so hard to find anyone that really understands the lingering pain while living in the present. There remains a post-divorce financial cloud from which I may never recover, and lost opportunities as a result. I know what youre going through. I have truly tried to find out who I am. I wish for better days. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. ", I believe it's one of the fastest methods of emotional healing and transformation available today; You can learn to use tapping on your own, or see a therapist who uses meridian tapping.The aspects of "guilt" and "regret" should be at the top of the list of "tapping targets" to work on. My career has suffered. She is very busy socially and at work. But also: stronger relationships with their kids, finding peace, and settling into a new sense of normal that feels, well, okay. It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and you can still feel emotional weeks, months, and even years after you and your former partner have split. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. I have tried to console myself by saying, "leaving my ex was the most compassionate thing I could do since he deserved to be desired by someone". I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. God bless you! It hasnt been that long. I've done my best to move on, and finally now I'm in another wonderful relationship almost ten years later with a man who loves me as much and now I know how to be grateful but this man is not brilliant or wealthy or liberal like my ex. I just dont know how I could have been so blind. I wish I could tell people it gets better but it does not when you miss the love of your life. 20. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. The final dagger was my grandparents will 23 years ago (which I had forgotten, never thinking anything like this would happen) giving me 20 acres of land in Indiana, inheritance is not included in divorce settlement. Emotional Symptoms of Divorce. Thank you for this article. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. Dear Sugars, I'm a middle-aged father of one teenage girl. I realize this website was for moms, but couldnt help but reply. so I pray every day for her to be back and are family to be one. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. I will never trust again or be intimate with another man. I highly suggest a good therapist to help you. Mine left me after 40 years, for a woman 25 years younger. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. Can you be completely happy after divorce? As others have said, it gives voice to some of what I feel. For people who already live with depression . Its very difficult to see a future for myself. Dreams are broken but lives have to go on. In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? This is a very good article. joanne. I don't know how to stop the regret and guilt!! It hurts and brings confusion to the children. Do those things! He has seen me in a good, solid, happy relationship for several years now, and while life isnt without its challenges, in general, I have no complaints. Its been more than a dozen years, but the fact of my divorce, the speed with which the marriage unraveled, the ease with which my spouse moved on, the tumultuous aftermath that dragged on for a decade, the onslaught of related losses All of it still hurts. Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. A lot of it hit home with me. You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. } Lest you think thats all there is, I repeat: These days, life is pretty good. Divorce at this point takes the order of the day. only with God do I hang on. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. I had spent so many years waiting for the affair again shoe to drop but realized, it was not a concern anymore, the cheater was out of my life. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. I worked on becoming a better person for 20 years. Three weeks later we moved in-that was 13 years ago. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz It truly helps to know Im not alone in this. I have fallen in love again after my divorce. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. My ex husband left our family 7 years ago for my (single w/2 kids) friend. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. But the empty presence has never gone for me I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. At these events, we were supposed to be celebrating together as a couple, as a family, as one. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. Village historic. I believe scars remain, but forgiveness can set us free still, it is a choice we make each time the pain appears. Keeping the bed. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. I have not dated anybody because Im still in the process of healing and I know it would not be wise doing so until I am ready to turn the page over completely. But, it better be given deep and long thoughts the effects and consequences. But love, sadly, is not always enough when it comes to marriage, and we deal with it in the best way possible. While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? What makes a luxury lake home design special, Learn About the Very Wild and Interesting Psychedelic Era. And then the pandemic hit. It's been 2.5 years since my divorce and I am in a new relationship but I am still sad that I got divorced. Purpose to become happy, engage in a relationship that matters and invests in yourself in a better way. Thank you for putting your experience to paper which identifies the common pain we shareand doing it so perfectly. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. I thought is wasnt normal to still feel guilty 10 years later. I wa interested in this website. My kids are well. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. On a recent morning, I hung up the phone with my divorce attorney. Parent conflict is dangerous to children. 13+ years. I initiated it. People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). I thought I was taking forward steps. God sees our pain, our tears. Its like I never existed in her world. I have moved on and with a new partner. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. I have done nothing but cried and act emotionally out of control since I received the summons out of nowhere. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. Ali November 14, 2015 At 1:56 pm. Well what I get out of it is I love her and hope and pray to the Lord that I get another opportunity with her since neither one of us are seeing or dating anyone after five years, And the reason why I dont trust other women is the result I got out of dating women the first two years trying to replace her which I could not I thought about her the entire time .The reason why I trust her is I created this mess and caused her to leave I was not the man I shouldve been . Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . And, you can still love someone else, in spite of what you feel for her. I did not handle the divorce well. He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. That was 5 years ago. I never realized you could love to much. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. Being the left behind spouse I struggle a great deal. It has been just over a year now and I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach daily. I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. We had two teenagers a mortgage, a good life I thought. As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. He moved on quite quickly and as soon as got his girlfriend dropped our kids. Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. Do not bad mouth your partner to your children or your friends; this will only act as a catalyst to increase your anger. a loss of appetite. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since theres no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with. Most psychologists and therapists' general rule is one year of healing and recovery for every five to seven years of marriage. I cannot deny that when I hear echoes of family jokes that trace back to my childrens early childhood, I flash immediately to other days. Are you a parent who's separated divorced Or NEVER-MARRIED ? And my bitterness prevents me from speaking to her, despite her efforts to remain friends. I had so many changes to adjust to. At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? It becomes manageable, but thats about it. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. New hopes, dreams, and opportunities arent going to come to you if you arent emotionally free and receptive. We were married for 15 years. I feel very lost again. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. I can relate a lot with you. The grief of your family broken or split is for sure the hardest thing to get over Absolutely. Worrying That Your Husband Isn't Really Sorry About The Affair Is A Common Reason For Being Stuck: As I said, I often see common themes or issues in wives who haven't been able to move on. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. 25 years gone after her affair. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. Im not saying that you want vengeance or wish him wrong, but resentment is not a good feeling either, it hurts you more than it does him. I have been thinking about just adopting and doing the single father thing. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. Perfectly said. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. A moth named Once-married Underwing (Catocala unijuga) curiously rests beneath the eaves today. Don't Fight Your Feelings All of our emotions are given to us for a reason. If you are enduring your marriage, there is nothing much to do but file for a divorce.It can be said that the end of a marriage is always a difficult time you don't want to go through alone. He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. Your piece really spoke to me. I never should have married the guy in the first place, but divorcing him was just horrible. My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. Im very happy to find this essay tonight, and the comments you have all left. There's also the practical side of it. All the you statements are certainly not appropriate. And its hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my exs affair-partner-now-wife. I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. I still cry daily for my marriage but also as a single parent of an autistic son and tween girl life is tough. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. I struggle through. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. I do not miss him, nor do I want him back, I feel like I served my time so to speak after 15 1/2 years of marriage. However, it may not take quite long if you wanted the divorce, were unhappy with your marriage, or the divorce decision was mutual. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. Try to find joy in the fact that you have those feelings for her instead of focusing on the pain of losing her. No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. I feel completely abandoned and alone. Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. Espcially this: Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Yes, indeed. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? Ive been struggling with anxiety. Its so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. Oh, so difficult! It's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad and to talk about it and to ask for a hug. But the pain lingers under the surface always. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. When you hear the word "divorce," there are a handful of images that probably come to mindtwo adults arguing, a sad child stuck in the middle, and maybe even a contentious courtroom battle.But when a marriage ends, it's far more complex than that.For one, you may never even be in a courtroom with your ex, and secondly, there are some truly positive effects of a divorce that you may not have . I divorced the following year. Sam, I find it odd that you dont trust other women but would trust the woman causing your pain and welcome her back. Median duration of second marriages: Males: 7.3 years Females: 6.8 years. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. But that is life I am told and at 49 years old, starting over dirt poor and broken is not ideal. Help Is Here. Good article and I will add to it. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Even got the dogshe is small not big! I certainly dont want someone back in my life who is capable of causing such sorrow in others and not giving a damn, but it feels like part of the family is missing. Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. Dont let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. after 5 years the pain I think is worse . I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. I don't know exactly how I feel about that. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. It's not a bad place to be. Dating the same man again. As the publication noted, it's possible that this split could get messy as both parties reportedly raced to file . A ten-year marriage is also considered to be a long-term marriage by the Social Security Administration. I lost multiply job. I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. Claiming benefits on your ex-spouse triggers what is known as a spousal benefit, which is worth a maximum of 50% of the retirement . I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. Studio Firma/Stocksy United. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. Although my ex did apologize, he never really clarified WHY he left. Related: Healing From A Relationship With A Narcissist Before jumping ahead to the realities of life after divorce from a narcissist, it's worth summarizing the tell-tale traits of self-absorbed personality.. 7 Traits of a Narcissist Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. Its been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that Im not sure I will be able to stop. Im also thankful that there were no answers in your message. It's important to set some achievable goals. Thanks for recognizing that. I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments. feelings of . My son sees a sadness every so often in me. Yes, I am male. But it still hurts and may always. Here is the bottom line, Sam, youre purposefully holding onto the pain. You need to remember that you still have a future. There is so much I can be happy about now. Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Thank you for this. a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. In addition, research suggests people who experience a significant life event such as divorce are 2.5 to 9.4 times more likely to develop depression. My adult son came to live with me 20 years after his mother and I divorced. I still love the woman I thought I married and I am angry at the emotional manipulation and pain she metered out to me which ended with the beginning of her second marriage. Couples counselling, yes, but half-assed. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. Thank you for putting in words what so many people feel. Excellent article. I dont see them as often as Id like but when I do I enjoy every moment. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. You see, every dream died with divorce, I was a stay at home mom and we entertained so often. And I have not been able to shake my own love for him, even though he hurt me so deeply. "@type": "Answer", You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all.